


The Essence of Love

by mahoushoujos



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide, Yuuri is hurting a lot, a lot of death lolllll, but victor doesn't know what to do bcus he's a dummy :"(, first time writing anything pls don't hurt me, it's 5am and I want to die, lol I tried my best I took me like 3hrs to write the first chapter boi am I in for a ride, worried victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:04:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8840353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahoushoujos/pseuds/mahoushoujos
Summary: In which Yuuri finally gives up and with that, Victor too gives up.A story about how love is most definitely essential to some.





	1. Dainty and Fragile

**Author's Note:**

> hi! first time writing a fic so pls be kind huhu,, I hope you enjoy this fic. I don't have a beta lol and this is very loosely based on my personal experiences honestly so if you aren't happy with anything you can notify me in the comments. I tried.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short overview of what Yuuri constantly experiences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> badly written and unbeta'ed. leave a comment if you'd like :)

Yuuri drew the last straw.

_Katsuki Yuuri_ had everything a person could ever want, a lover, family and friends, a career, an adequate amount of money and much more.

You could call him selfish and dumb for doing this but no matter what he had, the pain wouldn't stop.

The shadows that crept over his shoulders at 4am were silently whispering such crude words to him and it was too much for him. No matter how tightly he clutched onto Victor's body, they never went away.

Always staying near to him, whispering short and silent words that were  _killing_ him from the inside.

They were already here when he was 10, constantly wondering if it was normal to hear such things on a daily basis. When he was 15, he couldn't take it anymore but the knowledge that his idol _Victor Nikiforov_ was alive kept him going.

Now he was 24 with everything in the world and most importantly, his idol was now his lover that he loved oh so much. He believed that the shadows would now stop caressing his entire existence in that gentle but piercing manner, but oh, they never did stop. 

The only thing that soothed the pain a little was Victor.

Sweet Victor was always there for Yuuri, no matter what time or place, Victor was and would always be there for Yuuri. Yuuri knew this and appreciated it. Victor had always surprised Yuuri and Yuuri was confident that his lover would continue to do so in the many years to come.

Yuuri was  _so_ in love with this man. He was in love with everything about him, from his thick accent, to the way his eyes crinkled up along with his nose when he smiled wholeheartedly. But he knew that his time with his lovely lover was ephemeral. 

It was yet another sleepless night spent with the shadows with Victor clinging onto him in his sleep. Yuuri couldn't help but chuckle upon hearing his lover making muffled and distorted noises in his slumber. One may think that Yuuri was lonely with his sleeping lover by his side but no, Yuuri was more than lonely.

In fact, he'd rather be lonely than spend this time with those shadows yet again.

It was suffocating and the silence was too loud for him to endure. The shadows were once again slowly serenading him with those sharp words that hit him straight in the heart.

He felt numb and dizzy, breath getting hastier and could feel those wet and salty droplets slowly forming at the back of his eyes. It was excruciating. He tried doing those weird breathing exercises that Victor found on the internet but they didn't work.

They never did work of course, but he had to pretend that they did so as to not worry Victor. How would they even work when he felt like he was drowning in those words? His breath was getting heavier, it was hard to even breathe. 

_Inhale Exhale Inhale Exhale Inhale Exhale Inhale Inhale Exhale Inhale Exhale Exhale Exhale Exhale Inhale_ _oh god oh god what's happening oh god please help me please someone I can't do this anym- ah._

In the midst of all that was happening, he was conscious of what was going on. He could feel the droplets of water slowly dripping one by one from his eyes, could feel every essence of his being drowning in those tears and stupid breathing exercises. He was so afraid, so very afraid but didn't want to wake Victor up.

He was sure that no one would want to be awoken from their peaceful deep slumber because of some stupid guy who couldn't keep his emotions in check.

He felt like dying, he wanted to puke and just cry and scream his  _fucking_ heart out but no, not when his Victor was sleeping ever so soundly beside him. 

Instead of seeking help from someone, Yuuri simply went out to jog. Jogging had always helped him when he had a panic attack, he knew that it was dumb and was bad but he couldn't help it, he couldn't deal with the feeling of guilt that came with seeking help. Of course it's hard to jog when you're a hyperventilating and crying mess but he somehow managed, crying and trying his best to breathe while he jogged around the familiar streets of  _Hasetsu_.

The shadows of course followed along, hugging his entire body too. He ran and ran with his tears and emotions slipping out of from the lockets of his fragile glass heart. 

Upon his return, he was greeted by Victor hugging Makkachin in place of his Yuuri. Yuuri couldn't help but let out a breath of relief, glad that Victor was there. Yuuri proceeded to enter the bathroom, observing his wrecked self in the mirror. Red puffy eyes, sweat mixed with tears everywhere, messy hair and a crack in his glass heart.

And of course, the shadows were there to remind him of every single flaw that his body held. His stretch marks, chubby body and scars were a constant reminder that he was  _disgusting._

Victor embraced every single part of his being but he couldn't help but hate his own body and self. Brushing his reflection off from the mirror, he removed his clothes that were sticking to his pale skin and entered the bath, letting the lukewarm water envelop his body and let his head rest against the edge of the tub.

Closing his sore eyes, he simply sighed, wondering when the shadows would leave him because the pain was getting too overbearing and hard to control. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was badly written, it's my first time writing anything oops. Hope you enjoyed it, Kudos and Comments are always a joy to see. Next chapter will be about somethin real bad. You can find me on tumblr and instagram @mahoushoujos if you need me :)


	2. And So, He Flew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What and how it happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for suicide.
> 
> unbeta'ed
> 
> I'm sorry if the first half is a little messy? had a hard time writing it.. hope you enjoy my terrible writing skills. Sorry it took a little long to update lol I had no idea how to write the terrible first half.
> 
> btw I recommend listening to "Saturn" by Sleep At Last while reading the second half

Its the Cup of China(CoC) Free Skate today and god, please help. 

Yuuri had barely gotten a wink of sleep the night before, he couldn't share hotel rooms with Victor so there he was, alone with the shadows once again. The pressure from his family and friends that was on his shoulders weren't helping much either. It was a long and excruciating few hours for him. 

When dawn broke, he absently stared at the window, the soft and subtle light emitting from the sun was glowing and looked ethereal. Yuuri decided to prepare for the day. When he looked into the bathroom mirror he was greeted by a  _monster_. He was shocked, his body rose up in fear before realizing that the monster reflected back in the mirror.. was him. 

With a soft stare, he simply observed his reflection, wondering when he turned into such a monster. What did this  _monster_ do to deserve Victor Nikiforov? 

He brushed the reflection off like always and proceeded to set up a bath for himself, hoping that it would relieve some of the stress as baths always reminded him of home. Spotting a bottle of soap at the side, he picked it up and slowly poured the liquid into the slowly filling tub, hoping that the scent may help him relax more.

He removed his clothes, or to be more accurate, they were Victor's. Yuuri would always sneakily steal Victor's clothes. They were comforting and helped soothe the pain a little whenever he was alone. He felt  _safe_ in them. 

Slowly entering the tub inch by inch until his bottom was sat comfortably at the base of the tub. The warm water was comfortable, enveloping his entire being. The bubbles were iridescent and Yuuri could see his reflection in them. He played around with the bubbles for a while before fully relaxing. He knew that he  _had_ to win. It wasn't for him, it was for Victor. He knew that the world would hate Yuuri even more if he wasn't even on the podium, they would probably say things like 

" _how could someone like YOU steal Victor away from the world? You don't fucking deserve this living legend. Return him back to the world."_

Yuuri would feel too guilty if he didn't even get onto the podium so he was determined to win. For his Victor. 

After getting out of the bath, he ordered some room service, getting 2 pieces of multi-grain toast with some scrambled eggs so that he would have some energy for the day. 

When he exited his hotel room, he noticed that both him and Victor coincidentally exited their rooms at the same time, resulting in both of them chuckling fondly. Victor pecked a kiss onto Yuuri's neck and they proceeded to head to the CoC venue. 

When they arrive at the venue, Yuuri's nerves are acting up again. More visibly this time. So much that Victor even prevented him from doing any jumps during the warm-up. Ignoring Victor's instructions, Yuuri tried a jump but alas, failed. Once the warm-ups were over, he walked over to his coach with his head down in shame. 

Guang Hong was first to skate.

Yuuri looked at the monitor screen that was playing Guang Hong's performance, overcome with fear, Yuuri immediately walked away. He walked to a slightly more secluded area to stretch. After a few minutes of shaking while stretching, Victor came up to him and suggested that they head to somewhere else to stretch. With his eyes diverted away, Yuuri nodded his head ever so slightly.

 Somehow, they ending up in the parking lot. But Yuuri doesn't mind, as long as Victor is there beside him. He feels guilty because he isn't mentally stable enough to be able to support his best friend Phichit's performance but he knows that Phichit will understand. He always did.

Yuuri had known from the start that Victor wasn't a professional coach, he didn't have the slightest idea on what to do as a coach and Yuuri was extremely aware of this fact. Celestino would have made sure that Yuuri was both physically and mentally well enough to compete but Victor didn't even check in on him. The thought of  _the_ Victor Nikiforov not knowing what to do as a coach made Yuuri giggle. 

Yuuri could hear the crowd going wild for Phichit, it frightened him a lot but he was happy for his friend. It was also a sign that they should head up soon as it was soon to be his turn.

And then it came all at once.

Upon hearing the cheers and the commentators praising Phichit, Yuuri could once again hear the shadows. Their voices slipping out from the cracks in his heart. He could feel his heartbeat exhilarating, breath getting heavier and rougher, emotions spilling out from the tight chains of his mind.

He could hear Victor muttering something about not understanding why Yuuri was so afraid today and something about kissing him, but the shadows were too loud, overpowering Victor's voice. He had to suck it up, he couldn't mess up now. It can't be now.

He turned to Victor, who had a distressed look on his face and seemed to be in deep thought. With a shaky voice, Yuuri managed to get his words across while stuttering 

_"V-Victor, we should .. head up soon."_

Then, it came. Too suddenly, with no warning given beforehand. 

_"Yuuri. If you aren't able to get onto the podium, I'll take responsibility as your coach and resign."_

It was too sudden and intrusive. He had to take a few seconds to fully process those cold, harsh words.

Why was Victor saying such words? Yuuri knew that he couldn't break now, but oh, to hear Victor of all people to be saying this, it was too much for his dainty little body to take in. He could feel the tears welling up, his body getting weaker as he let those cursed droplets flow down his cheek. He didn't know what to do, he could see Victor looking flustered now. All he could do was scream.

" _WHY ARE YOU SAYING SUCH THINGS AS IF YOU'RE TESTING ME??"_

Victor was now saying something but Yuuri couldn't quite comprehend the words, his mind was a mess. 

" _I'VE BEEN THINKING IF YOU SECRETLY WANT TO QUIT AS MY COACH ALL THIS TIME"_

He could hear Victor saying something again, this time it was more distinct, still unclear as if there were static muffling his words but Yuuri understood. Victor was saying something like "no that's wrong!" and without hesitation, Yuuri shouted at his beloved coach once again. 

_"I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF MESSING UP BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT'LL AFFECT YOU TOO BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING, JUST STAY CLOSE TO ME."_

The words accidentally spilled out, Victor wasn't saying anything now. He just gestured to Yuuri with a soft smile, he probably meant that they should head up now. Yuuri nodded, he felt ashamed and embarrassed for letting his emotions out onto his lover who had done nothing wrong. He knew that his coach was inexperienced in many ways but this was.. bad. 

It was the first time Yuuri had cried before a performance, it didn't feel great but he did feel much more relaxed now. Before starting, he blew his nose with a tissue from the tissue box that had a cover resembling the sweetest poodle with milk chocolate coloured fur, Makkachin. Just as he was about to hand the tissue to Victor, he took a step back and allowed the tissue that was crinkled into a ball to fall. 

This resulted in Victor bending forward, allowing Yuuri to view the crown of his head in all its glory. Yuuri poked his lover's soft silver hair and patted it as well before skating away to the middle of the rink. 

* * *

 The CoC officially ended, with Phichit in first place and Yuuri in second, followed by Chris.  

The events that happened that day were too emotionally tiring for Yuuri, leaving him burnt out. Lying on the hard mattress of the hotel bed, he laid there, taking in the silence that filled his hotel room. Slowly drifting off to sleep whilst thinking about Victor. 

When Yuuri awoke, Victor was there beside him with a solemn look on his face. Yuuri tried reaching out to him but there was no response. Then, Victor turned to him, with his cerulean blue eyes looking dull and dead. It shocked Yuuri and all of a sudden, he could feel warm hands around his neck. It wasn't painful, yet. But when Victor spoke incomprehensible words, Yuuri could feel a stinging pain slowly developing in his neck. He felt like he was choking, suffocating on those incomprehensible words. Tears welling up, breathing was getting more difficult and his mind was getting muddled. What was going on? 

_Ah._

Yuuri woke up with a gasp, tears running down his face and his body sweating and shaking. It was just a dream, no, it was a nightmare. Why did he and why would he have a nightmare about his beloved Victor? Victor was the only thing that was far from a nightmare in reality, Victor was the only one who truely accepted Yuuri.

When things got steamy the first time, Yuuri was too ashamed to even remove his clothes even though Victor had already seen most of his body in the  _onsen_. He was too embarrassed, scared of what Victor would think when he saw his body. His body that was covered in scars from intentional and accidental wounds, stretch marks that were left from his binge-eating habits whenever he was stressed (he was always stressed), the parts of his body that had weird discolourations and were exceptionally chubby.

But Victor embraced all of him. From his mental illnesses to every flaw on his physical body, Victor loved every single inch of Yuuri, showering him in love and acceptance. Kissing all the flaws on his body that held a story each. It was the first time anyone had loved Yuuri this much romantically, sure, he knew that others had loved him platonically and was grateful but Victor's love was much more different and comforting. 

It was hard to go back to sleep after such a nightmare, Yuuri looked at the time on his phone and it said "0348". He had to get up to catch the flight back to Japan with Victor in 7 hours. With his anxiety high, it was hard to calm down. He was conscious of everything, how the air-conditioner made creaking sounds once in a while, the lights dimming a little sometimes. 

He could sense them once again, slowly creeping up onto him from behind, the shadows. No. At this point, they weren't even shadows anymore, that was 8 years ago, but Yuuri had long stopped noticing their form. They were monsters now, monsters that manifested from all the negative emotions that had built up in him all his life. They were slowly killing him and they were close to succeeding. Extremely close. Just one more push, and it'll all end.

Victor pushed him to this point, he didn't mean to but he did. 

Yuuri knows. Knows that his lover meant no harm, was simply being dumb. He wasn't trying to blame his emotional instability onto Victor but he would be lying if Victor hadn't contributed to it. This was the pushing point, he knew that he would soon fall apart, shatter into a trillion pieces. Even if it wasn't now, it would happen one day. This was probably the only thing that Yuuri was confident about. And to be honest, he was shocked. Thoroughly shocked. He always assumed that he would be panicking when he realised that he was gonna break but.. he was calm. In fact, he was too calm. 

The monsters advised him on what to do and honestly, Yuuri didn't give a damn at this point anymore. He was more than glad to take in the sweet pain that the monsters offered to him. It hurt so much, so much that he was calm. No hasty breathing, droplets of tears or the normal things that usually came, he was tired now. 

Yuuri drew the last straw. 

Katsuki Yuuri had everything a person could ever want. A lover, friends and family, a career, an adequate amount of money and much more. You could call him selfish and dumb for doing this but no matter what he had, the pain wouldn't stop. The pain never did stop

There he was, on the open rooftop of the hotel. The hotel was pretty high, around 50 floors. He didn't even know why there was an open rooftop but oh well, it benefits him so he shouldn't question things. It was around 5am, he didn't quite know as his phone was in his hotel room's table. Slipped under it was a pale envelope, specifically for Victor, his sweet Victor who had done nothing wrong. 

Yuuri knew that by committing this act, he would be hurting so many people. Maybe even people who he didn't know of, his fans perhaps. He knew that he was being selfish, leaving his Victor alone, leaving his friends, his sweet family. He was well aware of it, knew that everyone would be devastated, confused, maybe disappointed in him but as much as it hurt him, he had to. 

What pushed him to do this? He didn't know either. All he knew was that it  _fucking_ hurt. He was apologetic to everyone in his life. But oh, what could he do? He had been suffering like this for so, so excruciatingly long. He was so very patient, at least give him credit for that. 

Now standing at the very edge, taking in the cold air. Almost as cold as his heart was. He could feel the shivering winds blowing against his skin, hair being blown back along with his clothes that he had yet to change out of. Maybe he should've chosen a nicer outfit for this occasion. Letting out a small but sarcastic chuckle, he sighed.

Reminscing about the memories that he had Victor shared, realizing once again that Victor was indeed the light of his life. Remembering the scent that Victor emitted, how his eyes would go dark with lust on some nights, his deep raspy voice that was paired with a thick Russian accent, his beautiful silver strands of hair that suited his pale white skin so well. Yuuri could go on and on about how much he loved this man. Wondering if the other man would miss him just as much, he felt guilty for leaving his beloved on this planet.

The great Victor Nikiforov, longed for by many but his heart was set on only one man. Yuuri knew this more than anyone in this universe, he could tell. From the soft look that Victor always showed to him and him only, to the way he constantly whispered sweet nothings into Yuuri's ear. 

Yuuri was now crying, no, sobbing. 

He didn't want to leave Victor. He wanted to stay with Victor for eternity. He didn't want to hurt Victor. But, it was too much for him. 

With tears streaming down his face, nose running with audible noises that resembled pain, he looked up. Realizing how vulnerable he was, how he was only one person out of seven billion. How his existence was fleeting. The dark sky was nicely decorated with a dozen stars, crescent moon matching the marks that were on his body that were from his fingernails digging into them. The moonlight shone on Yuuri, making it look as if he were emitting a soft glow, teardrops glistening in the moonlight. He could sense the monsters sneakily snickering at him.

He took in a deep breath, inhaling the cold air that was mixed with slight scents of smoke and street food. His eyes resembling a water faucet, glistening from the light shone upon him. Whilst thinking about Victor, he muttered barely audible words.

With his back turned towards the edge, he let himself fall.

Feeling the tears flow even quicker, wind pushing against his entire existence.

With his last view being the dark night sky, and his last thoughts being about his beloved.

He disappeared into the sky. 

 

"I'm sorry, I love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whelp, next chapters will be about victor, how he felt during and after this entire ordeal. I didn't want it to be too confusing with the constant change of POVs so I'm separating their POVs into different chapters, hopefully it isn't confusing either.
> 
> kudos and comments are always a joy to see and you can find me on ig and tumblr @mahoushoujos :)


	3. Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Victor knew. 
> 
> The suffering of a lonely man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy reading, sorry for taking so long to update lmaoo i tried my best to write it but no ideas were really forming so the chapter is really short and disappointing and my english kinda degraded LOL so sorry for any mistakes. kinda messy too SO SORRY!!!
> 
> ALSO: i constructed a short playlist lmaoo if you'd like you could listen to it.  
> http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvlT3bxvBU6QYFEa8rnkXcsIuDCUkYYVH
> 
> unbeta'ed

Victor Nikiforov was in love with another man.

He first noticed the other during a competition but didn't give much care towards him as he wasn't a worthy opponent. He noticed the other once again during a banquet. He noticed how the other looked sad and solemn, with a wrinkled suit and ugly tie and how he awkwardly strided into the banquet hall with his coach.

He just stood around at first, with no one to communicate with, he turned to the free flukes of champagne that were offered to all. Slowly downing fluke after fluke, he was now a monster. A monster that could capture the hearts of all. 

Victor was now intruiged, seeing how the man challenged Yuri to a dance battle of some sort.

The man was now drinking from bottles instead of flukes while effortlessly dancing and attempting difficult moves. Victor was tempted to join this rave of dancing without a care in the world.

Yet he was afraid.

Afraid of joining in uninvitedly, unknowingly invading their little world. Victor knew that no one would hold it against him though, for he was iconically dubbed as a living legend. A god. No one would dare question a god would they? 

The fact that countless of people have always avoided Victor in fear of offending him was excruciating. That meant that zillions of people would constantly flash fake smiles at him, throwing kind words along with the wretched smiles.

Victor knew that behind that facade was simply a shade of annoyance. Victor definitely wasn't a fan of this trend. He simply wanted someone to just see him for who he was. Not what he had achieved. Thus he got a dog, Makkachin, to cope with the overwhelming loneliness. 

And like the spring breeze, Yuuri entered his life. 

Victor slowly approached the other man, snapping photographs along the way to keep as mementos. When he got close enough, Yuuri suddenly came up to him. In a slurred japanese accent, the man spit out something incomprehensible, partly due to it being in japanese.

But soon, Victor was now overcome with a flurry of emotions as Yuuri was now dancing with him. Victor could tell that the other didn't see him as a god or legend, just Victor. 

The two were now dancing as if they were the only ones in the universe, they were both visibly happy with eyes staring lovingly at the other. None aware of the fact that they were garnering the attention of everyone in the room.

 It was as if their hearts were now threading a bond. One that would last for eternity. This was the first time Victor had experienced anything like this. For someone to truly see you for who you are, that was an unknown emotion to the lonely man.

He didn't know what word was used to describe such bliss, it was indescribable. 

Yuuri was suddenly pushing his entire physical body onto Victor now, slurring something once again in japanese. But one thing was clear as it was in english, and that was that this drunk man wanted, needed Victor to be his coach.

Victor's eyes glistened, he could see hope. Maybe this man would be the one to change his dull life.

As if the stars had aligned beautifully that night, Victor was now in love with the other whose origins he knew not of. 

* * *

 

It had had now been a week after the breathtaking banquet but Victor hadn't been contacted by anyone. Was this just an illusion made by himself for him to cope? Did the other man simply toss him aside? 

Victor was already used to being thrown away when he was of no use anymore, but this time it hurt so much. The excruciating pain of losing the other seeped into his bones, filling him with agony. He had to move on. He buried his face into Makkachin's soft chocolate-brown fur. It reminded him of the man's eyes. 

And so, he choreographed a new program for the new season that was based on this experience. All his programs had always been reflected on his emotions. He was able to manifest these emotions into a program and that was probably the only way to express himself. 

He unexpectedly fell into a stump halfway through planning it out. Was it a sign that he couldn't let go of this man? Or was it a sign that he was getting incompetent? He wasn't sure.

* * *

 It had been around a year since the encounter and Victor still wasn't over the other. Love is such a troublesome thing after all. But it seemed like fate was on his side this time round.

He awoke with a groan, the buzzing of his mobile phone and the sounds of the notifications going off every single second were a nuisance. Makkachin was awake as well, seems like it didn't only affect Victor.

He muted his phone and sat there for a while, drowning in the empty silence that filled the entire apartment. Sunlight filtering through the window blinds and softly landing on his pale skin. The king-sized bed that was too large for one man was a constant reminder that he was alone. It made his heart ache a little, waking up to the same old view every morning alone. Sure, Makkachin was on the bed as well but it was still lonely. 

Well, enough of that. Victor wondered why this many notifications were bursting through his phone. As if he had published a sex tape or something, of course he did nothing of that sort. After all he had no one to do it with him.

As he unlocked his phone, he got a quick glimpse of some ongoing notifications that flew away in a split second only to be buried with more. It read "Katsuki Yuuri skates to Victor Nikiforov's program!!!!!!!" Victor's heart might've stopped for a second there. 

Katsuki Yuuri? The man he was infatuated with? Now he was thoroughly confused. He found countless video links and pictures of the man who he had fallen deeply in love with.

Taking a deep breath, Victor clicked on a video link. With his large poodle being smothered by him in his arms, he played the video. 

When the first note of the music played, something in him tingled. It was the song that he had chose to symbolise his everlasting loneliness. A cry for help. It was titled "Stay close to me" and was also his current free program for the season.

Upon watching Yuuri preforming the same exact routine flawlessly, Victor wondered if this was too, a cry for help. The emotions that were exhibited in the video made his heart ache. Victor was a spontaneous man and thus, he was now determined to meet his one-sided love.

Booking a flight to Japan immediately wasn't exactly one of his smartest decisions, it was in the middle of the season as well. Not that he cared though.

* * *

 Upon entering Japan along with Makkachin, Victor felt the most alive he had ever been in the past 20 years. The view was wonderful and different from the normal scenery. Sure, he was constantly travelling due to the international events but the venues were always packed with reporters, fans and such.

It was tranquil and idyllic this time and that was something that Victor had much appreciation for.

Soon. Just a little more and he would meet the love of his life.

When he arrived at the place Yuuri was residing in (a quick search online was all it took) which was also an inn owned by his parents, he was amazed by the cultural difference. He hadn't seen a building like this before. Plus, the fact that Yuuri grew up here made Victor's eyes glisten. 

He was greeted warmly by the alleged parents of Yuuri and they seemed to had taken a liking to Makkachin. Their english wasn't the best but Victor caught the gist of it all.

Apparently Yuuri once had a poodle too but unfortunately, it passed away a while ago. Victor wondered how Yuuri felt about the passing of his beloved pet, the thought of the other shedding tears physically hurt him.

Yuuri's parents wasn't sure why the foreigner was here but they offered to let him stay. Of course, it wasn't for free, they still had to make some profit somehow. Victor wasn't mad at this, heck, if they had let him stay for free the guilt would crush him and he'd probably feel obliged to give them his entire life savings. 

With Makkachin in the arms of the lovely couple, Victor entered the hot springs that were eagerly recommended by the couplet. It was a new experience, becoming wholly naked in a public bath. 

As he slowly sat his bottom onto the rocks that were pretty deep down, the warm water enveloped every inch of his body. It was rejuvenating, seems like there really were minerals in the water. He could feel his tense muscles slowly loosening and with a contented sigh he closed his heavy eyes.

With only the thought of meeting Yuuri in his mind, a small smirk formed on his face. 

He was aghast when the man himself came rushing into the hot springs. Victor was unsure of what to do. There he was, naked and off-guard while his one-sided love stood there with his mouth hanging open. 

Victor has had to deal with interviewers and paparazzi for years so he was a master of trickery by now. He slowly stood up from the water, taking a deep breath and proclaimed to the fully clothed man that he was going to be his new coach. Not to forget his trademark, the flirtatious wink. 

The only thing that resonated in Victor's mind was "oh no" now. 

* * *

 Over the span of a short time, Victor was able to learn many things about the other. How he was emotionally weak and had depression and anxiety. How he gained weight easily. How he was insecure but always so determined. And lastly, how he was truly the love of Victor's life. He could go on forever about this man. 

They were now lovers. Sure, they had only fully gotten to know each other a few months ago and were probably progressing too fast, but they wanted, needed each other.

They got together on a warm day, the clouds were still overcast but the temperature was warm. Victor simply went up to Yuuri while they were in practice, held his hands and proclaimed his everlasting love for the other. 

It ended up in a mutual love being reciprocated and in tears that were soon kissed away. They wanted to bask in the afterglow of the situation but alas had to return to training. They did, snuggle into the comfort of each other's body in the night, though. 

Victor wanted this moment to last forever, it was simply the best thing that had happened to him and no amount of golden medals could be compared to this emotion. It didn't last long though. It was a fleeting joy.

Soon realizing that Yuuri had many problems. Victor of course still loved the other but it was hard to comfort his beloved. It was a new experience and he wasn't sure. Google searches didn't help and neither did professionals. He wanted to do something, anything to ease the pain. 

The realization that Yuuri was severely depressed hit him hard. It was so painful, the fact that he was so powerless and was unable to help his beloved. It made him choke up in tears every night. He knew that his lover was suffering, and that it had been going on for years. He wish he had arrived earlier, to help, to comfort the man. 

His heart twinged in pain everytime Yuuri was visibly hurting. He was aware of the fact that Yuuri didn't want to confide in these problems to Victor. He tried helping once, having a proper conversation but it ended up in a heated fight, heart aches and tears.

The memory felt like a constant reminder that he shouldn't invade Yuuri's space. 

Victor was aware that Yuuri often had anxiety attacks at night, he could hear the ragged breaths, the soft whimpers and cries and the tremors of his body. Yet he couldn't do anything but pretend to sleep.

Oftentimes though, he would hold Yuuri tightly, passing the act off as his sleeping self looking for comfort though. 

He could remember all the times he held back his tears behind his tightly shut eyes, trying his best not to tremble in the agonising pain. He remember the times where Yuuri would leave, probably for a jog. How he would return panting and taking a bath after.

He remember crying in desolation everytime Yuuri wasn't there. He didn't know what he could do and it was killing him. The only thing he could do for now was hope, hope that it got better for his beloved. It was foolish, yes, but what could he do? 

* * *

Today was the day of the CoC free skate. Victor awoke with an ominous feeling but simply shook it off. He had no time to worry about such things when his Yuuri had to compete today. 

As he left the hotel room with a sigh, it seemed as if fate had once again brought the two together. They had opened their doors at the same time and that secretly made Victor's heart melt in joy. The both chuckled lightly and Victor proceeded to press a fleeting kiss onto his beloved's neck. 

Yet, the joyous emotion was soon dismissed as he noticed how haggard Yuuri looked. Eyes were dull without a spark in them, heavy and dark eyebags decorated his face and the sides of his eyes were red, an indication that he had been crying and losing sleep. 

The appearance of the other made Victor's stomach churn, it was painful to see Yuuri like this. 

When they arrived at the venue, he noticed that Yuuri was now more visibly anxious. He didn't want him to injure himself and thus, was prohibited from attempting any jumps during the warm-up. 

If Yuuri were to injure himself, it would probably kill Victor. As he was lost in the sounds of the blades gliding through the ice, he noticed Yuuri slowly preparing for a jump. Before he could stop the other, he had already taken off and of course, fell. 

Victor's breath almost stopped, his nails now digging into his palm as he fisted his hand into a ball. Once the warm-ups were over, he noticed how Yuuri simply walked towards him with his head down. Was he ashamed? Never mind that, Victor was simply worried if the skater had sustained any injuries.

Guang Hong was up first thus, the two went to stretch.

However, Victor noticed that Yuuri was fixated on the screen that was showing the current competitor instead of stretching. He knew that this was a huge distraction and would affect Yuuri so after considering it for a few moments, he decided to move them into the parking lot. 

The parking lot was relatively empty, deeming it as an ideal location for Yuuri. Victor was aware of the fact that Yuuri was nervous easily but this time, he was too nervous. 

When they finally settled down, the crowd was still audible. Not that it really mattered anyways. 

Victor wanted to help his lover. He needed to. However, he hadn't had any type of experience with dealing with such situations before and was unsure. He thought hard and long and came to a solution. A pretty foolish one to add.

Before he could take in Yuuri's words, he let them out. 

  _"Yuuri. If you aren't able to get onto the podium, i'll take responsibility as your coach and resign."_

Victor wasn't sure at this point, did he make a mistake? Yuuri was now bawling. Tear drops trickled down his cheeks like diamonds. Victor was aghast, he didn't mean to make his beloved cry. 

Victor simply muttered out words that he thought of at the back of his mind. Foolish things like 'Should i kiss you?' were spoken yet, it didn't seem like Yuuri had heard him. 

Yuuri was now screaming out words of self-doubt and fear. It hit Victor in the heart immediately. He wasn't aware that his beloved was thinking of such treacherous things. 

He immediately protested loudly and was stunned when Yuuri himself yelled once again. He noticed how the other's voice was now breaking. He wanted to embrace his student at that moment but couldn't find the heart to do so. Simply showing a small gesture and forming a slight smile. An indication that they should head up now. 

That day, Yuuri placed second for the competition. Victor was extremely proud of him, yet Yuuri seemed a little off that night. It was probably because of their argument earlier on.

He could still remember how the man felt in his arms. How his heartbeat was steady, beating every second. How his breath was calm. The warmth that was emitted from his body. The scent of the hotel soap in his hair. His soft voice that enthralled him.

Every single thing was embedded into Victor's mind. How his last words to him before disappearing behind the door were "See you tomorrow.. i love you." 

All of this made the parting so much more painful. 

* * *

 

It was currently around 5am. Victor subconsciously got up, which was surprising as he usually woke at 7. With a groan, he rose from the hard mattress that was too big for one. He missed Yuuri already and it had only been a few hours. 

Victor was most certainly attached to Yuuri for life now. Upon thinking of his lover, he had a plan. 

He decided to sneakily enter Yuuri's room with the keycard that he 'got' from the other. To be more accurate, he stole it from him. Victor decided to first change into slightly more appropriate clothing before leaving. It'd be awkward after all, if someone saw a man exiting a room and entering another in a bathrobe. 

However, when he entered the other room, he wasn't expecting this to happen. He didn't expect Yuuri to not be in there, sleeping peacefully. He wasn't expecting a wave of silence to overcome him. But most of all, he didn't expect to find this. 

Aa Victor walked towards the bedside table, he noticed Yuuri's bright blue phone case. Underneath that was a letter in a pure white envelope. It reminded Victor of Yuuri's skin. 

He soon noticed that the letter was addressed to him. With shaking hands, he lifted up the envelope. Slowly ripping the top off in fear of the contents. 

When the top was neatly ripped off, he removed the letter that was encased in the envelope. Slowly unveiling it, he was pleasantly surprised as he was greeted with only a few sentences.  

The moment he read the first sentence, he panicked. He was now running as fast as he could. Panting, tears forming, heartbeat increasing with every passing second. He was sweating and gasping. 

When he was finally out of the dreaded hotel, the cold breeze ruffled his hair. He forgot to bring a coat, but that didn't matter now. He ran around the building with the same thought on his mind throughout the whole ordeal. 

"I need to find him."

Just as he was almost done running around the hotel building, he stopped. He fell to his knees, his eyes were now tearing up, allowing those dreaded droplets to fall. His body was shivering, he wasn't sure if it was from the cold temperatures or the sight in front of him. 

He was gasping in desperation, breath getting hastier and heavier. In front of him was the corpse of his darling. His wonderful Yuuri was lying there with a pool of blood under him. 

His face seemed as if it were glowing from the soft moonlight. That too, sent shivers down his spine. Victor quickly got up and ran towards him. Holding his body in his arms. The man was now cold and hard. With no colour in his skin, no warmth being emitted. No pulse, no breaths. 

It was just a vessel now. Victor embraced the body, holding it tight to him. He didn't care if the blood was staining his designer clothes, he sat there holding the body tightly, tears streaming down and falling onto the body's skin. He couldn't do anything but cry and yell. Desperately muttering Yuuri's name as if it were a ritual to bring him back. 

Victor's chest was so heavy and painful. His stomach churned and his skin was probably ice cold by now. What happened? Why? So many questions and emotions were going through the man now, it was too much to take in. 

After who knows how long, Victor decided to call an ambulance, it seemed like the most logical thing to do. The realization that Yuuri, his Yuuri would no longer speak to him with that smooth voice occured to him. 

The fact that Victor would never be able to see the tiny actions that were constantly done hit him hard. He couldn't stop the tears now. The realization and reality that his lover was gone forever was too much.

He couldn't believe it, he didn't want to. He refused to believe that his Yuuri would never be in his arms ever again, smiling at him with the sun in his eyes. 

And yet, even now, Victor still noticed things about the other. His clothes were actually Victor's. The clothes that looked so fitting on him were now drench in blood and the aftermath of his death. 

The atmosphere was heavy, but the stars were still shining, glimmering in the dark sky. Their light shone onto the two. 

If Victor had known that this would be the last time he could talk to Yuuri, feel him, he would've done so much more. If he knew this would happen, he would've forced himself onto Yuuri, tried to at least help. And now, the only thing that was left behind was Victor and his regrets. 

* * *

 

 It was now 6 years after the disappearance of his beloved. Victor was now broken. After Yuuri left, everything changed. 

Yuuri was the one who provided Victor with the two most essential things to him, life and love. Yet all three of those things were ripped away, snatched away from the hands of Victor,  oh how cruel fate was. 

Victor had moved back to Russia shortly after Yuuri left. He couldn't stand to be there. It all reminded him of Yuuri, from the entire place to his family, Everytime he saw them, he could see Yuuri in them. 

He couldn't even stand seeing Katsudon now, it made him choke up in tears. Everything reminded him of Yuuri, and he was suffering. Heck, even suffering reminded him of Yuuri. To the point where breathing was difficult, the thought of being alive and well scared him. 

No matter who he spoke to, how many therapists he went to, how many drugs he took, the pain never stopped. There was now an empty void in the man that was growing larger with each passing day.

It was apparent to everyone around him. Yakov had forced him to stop skating, Yuuri's family sent him messages everyday. They knew, and he did too, that he was withering. 

He could still remember everything in vivid detail. How Yuuri sounded that day, how he felt, how Victor's hands traversed over all the lined that formed him. Victor wanted to relish in those memories forever but this was reality. 

It was kinda funny, to think how one person's measly existence could matter so much.

Victor thought it would get better but honestly, it only got worse. 6years worth of mourning and suffering, he sure was a patient man. 

He was now back at the ocean in Hasetsu. The place where the two had opened up to one another. 

The scenic view was wonderous yet it was missing something. It was missing Yuuri. 

The cold strong winds hit Victor's body aggressively, as if it were a sign. He could only hear the howling of the wind now. His breaths were visible in the air, it was an indication that he was alive. 

He could feel the ocean waves hitting against the rock that he was stood atop on. He was reminscing about all the memories the two had once shared. Victor was positive that he would meet no other like Yuuri. 

He wondered why Yuuri did it, why he didn't consult Victor about his problems. If only Victor had the courage that time. 

Victor closed his heavy eyes, taking in the scent of the ocean that had often reminded him of his lover. He took a deep breath, mind still filled with Yuuri. 

Oh, how ethereal he was. If only, if only he could've done something, anything.

He took a step forward, and jumped.

The water entering his ears and nose, his clothes soaking up the endless amount of water. The salt engulfing his taste buds when he slightly opened his mouth. Gasping for air. He felt strangely calm, though.

He could finally be with Yuuri. He was sure that even though his beloved wasn't here anymore, their hearts and spirits were still connected and would be forever. 

Then he stopped struggling and allowed the strings of fate to take him. 

He let go, with his last thoughts and words being words of love to the other. 

With a smile, he went on. 

_"Dear Victor, my beloved Victor. This is Yuuri, by the time you're reading this, i am most probably of definitely gone from this world. Perhaps even gone from the universe. I am sorry for leaving you behind, i'm sorry for doing this, i'm sorry for hurting you, but i am not sorry for ever loving you. Please, don't blame yourself. Please don't hurt yourself, please stay safe forever. I shall continue to overlook you as you continue living on. Please, always remember that i loved you, and will continue to do so even after life. I will forever be here, waiting for your arrival."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! kudos and comments are always a joy to see and are much appreciated. I KNOW THIS SUCKED A LOt BUT I TRIED AAAAAAH IM SO SORRY LIKE I MADE YALL WAIT FOR TEN YEARS GHEN RETURN WITH THIS BULLSHIT
> 
> you can find me on instagram or tumblr @mahoushoujos  
> //  
> Hello, i know the story talks a lot of pain and suffering and although this story is fictional, i am well aware of the fact that people in reality are suffering everyday like this as well. I tried my best to portray it but i'm not extremely experienced with writing and thus it may not be the best but i hope you have enjoyed how i interpreted this story. Back to the topic of suffering(lol), if anyone out there needs someone to speak to, i am always here. I am definitely not a professional and all i can really do is try to comfort you with words, try to persuade you and assure you. Hola at me in the comments if you need someone to speak to and i'll always be there (of course i won't converse in the comments section with you about it). Know that you matter, sure this may sound like empty and mindless words for who am i to judge, i don't even know you, let alone your name. But i care. I truly do. Please stay safe everyone.


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